you know when you do something and instantly regret it and then try and undo what you did and you can’t so you try to hide it – you always get caught out. You know sometimes though even getting caught isn’t bad it’s that fact that you did it in the first place and you have no control over anything after that moment. Recently I have managed to upset 2 people [possibly 3] in this way. I’m not going into details because somethings are not fit for publishing. I would like to have not upset them but the deed is done and there is no undo in life. crtl-z just doesn’t exist. So now it is back to the routine but everything has changed and I don’t like it. Normally I’m fine with things like that but recently lots of things have been weighing me down and now I’m at the point where just keeping my head above water is a huge effort. Trust is a 2 way street and I feel like I can’t express how I’m feeling for hurting other people or having them pass judgement so instead I am just staying quiet. Being this quiet isn’t good for me I’m sure, my mom always told me not to bottle things up in case you explode but unfortunately I have no alternative at the moment. This is sounding very depressing I know but hey you know what that’s kind of tough cos that’s how I’ve been feeling for a while now – it’s part of the reason I’ve been looking to move. I’m not sure if it’s London I don’t want to live in anymore or if it’s just because I need to change my life. I thought everything would be easier when I was single and for the most part it is but now I have no excuse for putting off decisions anymore. Gah beans and stuff.