useful work phrases?

1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
27. It might look like I’m doing nothing but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
28. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
29. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Mini Ipods

After much rumour and debate Aplle announced at MacEXPO the launch of iPod mini They know their target market well I feel “Oh, one other minor detail, you can choose your iPod mini in one of five trend-setting colors: silver, gold, green, pink or blue. (All shiny.)”

It’s the last bit in brackets that gets me – everyone I know buys things because they are shiny. London is full of magpies ;o)

Warning: Do not drink beer!

Shock and alarm was spread among Metro readers earlier today when it was reported that women in London have been utilising a new date rape drug known as ‘Beer’
‘Beer’ is applied to the target male in an attempt to make him say and do things that he would never normally do if her wasn’t intoxicated.
Such as going home with women that closely resemble three-piece suites, road kill, etc.
‘Beer’ has been identified in the following key constituencies:
The 12 – 92 age demographic, bars, pubs, clubs and park benches.
Police say ‘Beer’, unlike Rohipnol, is virtually undetectable in the victim, making evidentially-based prosecutions virtually impossible in the absense of a confession.

Brewers Deux

Spent yesterday with David with various shopping chores including the hideous B&Q [again] and almost IKEA [again] and MAKRO [again] then decided we should really go out – I’d stayed in all weekend up to this point. So after a quick shot of vodka to steel our nerves we ventured to Clapham High Street for some chicken. So Nando’s first and a bottle of their cheapest Tinto. Turned out to be rather nice and washed the chuck down well. Then after consuming half a bottle each we moved onto the sewers. Since we had a taste for it we had a bottle there too – how camp is that eh? pretentious wine bar yes, two brewers no.
Hideously drunk later left earlyish and staggered homeward.
That’s my weekend in a nutshell.
Oh and did I mention I’ll be having someone use a speculum to keep my eyes open whilst they slice open my cornea and laser it in a fortnight? eep!

disturbing search requests revisited