note to self: it costs money

I was in Brighton for the weekend (staying at The Grand) and yesterday it was very very hot. So naturally the beach was very very busy. Also it meant that all the boys had their tops off. I spent a lot of time with Nick looking and perving. Since none of the usual crowd were there I started to message them pictures. At 25p a time with orange this might turn out costly. Nowhere did I see on the orange site how much it costs to send video but I’m guessing that it’s at least the 50p they charge for more than one photo per message.
Still it was worth it. This man in his boxers was very nice (and had a a huge packet).

Plus on the nudist beach…

Bootle Earthquake

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale has hit Bootle in the early hours of Friday morning

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “Fuckin Hell” “Bollocks” and where?s me fags.

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately ?35.00 worth of damage, and several priceless collections of memento?s from Blackpool, Llandudno, and Tallaca were damaged beyond repair. In addition, three arrears of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many local residents were woken well before their Giro arrived.

The local rag reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Bootle.

One resident Tracy our Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of three said “It was such a shock that my little Mercedes Chardonnay came running into my bedroom crying and my youngest two Tyler-Connor and Kylie Megan-Morgan slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha on Monday.

Apparently though looting and muggings and car crime wasn’t affected and carried on as normal

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship in 4000 crates of lager, 1.2 million ciggies to the arrears most stricken. Rescue workers are still searching throughout the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and fine bone china from Poundstretcher

How can I help I hear you asking

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster, Clothing is most sought after

Items most needed include

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White Nike or Reebok socks
Rockport boots and any other items sold in Matalan

Remember! 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms
?2.00 buys a bag of chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 6 and just ?5.00 will pay for a packet of Benson and Hedges and a lighter to calm shattered nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter as the sight of this posh housing will be unfair on the population of Kirby and Kirkdale.

Kylie Kylie Kylie

Kylie was fabulous. Really really fabulous. I enjoyed Madonna but I have to say that Kylie was much much better!
She wasn’t ashamed of her Stock Aitken & Waterman past and mixed in the old classics with the new hits. I have to say though the dancer in the confide with me set was horny as. I may have to do a search tomorrow and see if I can get a pic. All of the boys in the audience [bar the odd straight man] cheered when he came down the staicase on his hands. Rumour has it though that Will Baker [the man who allegedly bought those hotpants for 50p from Oxfam is in a relationship with one of the male dancers.]
We had a few lesbians making a lot of noise behind us which reached fever pitch as Kylie came up on stage for the remix of locomotion.
The outfits were fantastic too. I think Kylie has a bit of a cross dressing fetish though. What with the clockwork orange inspired outfits and the men in high heels and fishnets in a later set.
During the finale everyone sang along to Can’t Get You Out of My Head and for those who did not know the lyrics, on the overhead screens, the lyrics appeared, along with a bouncing Kylie ‘K’ karaoke style.
In fact the only real complaint of the night was that the sparkly programmes cost ?20 – we made up for it by grabbing a few free souvenir bottles of Kylie water on the way out.

46 days

If you ask any of my friends they will tell you I do not normally run on time – in fact they used to say our entire family where the same – in fact they termed it ‘croll time’.
So it may come as a suprise that I was actually early once. Very early in fact – 32 years ago tomorrow I was 46 days early. I was due to be born on March 27th 1970 and suprised my mum and dad by coming to the party on February 9th. Probably explains a few things like why I am so small and my sever attention span defecit.
There was an advert recently that quoted something like 50p a minute to keep a premature baby alive. Imagine how in debt I was then!

ooh remember when i wanted

ooh remember when i wanted josh in the big brother house? now I don’t but unfortunately I hate helen more. anyone who asks if there is chicken in chick peas needs evicting.
To evict Helen call: 09011 15 44 06. To evict Josh call: 09011 15 44 12.
As usual calls cost a fortune – 25p and mobile charges vary.
Callers in Eire: To evict Helen call: 1540 71 70 06. To evict Josh call: 1540 71 70 12. Calls cost 46p and mobile costs vary.

GAH and again GAH! Whilst

GAH and again GAH!
Whilst in Tesco getting lunch I picked up some Cola and Lime fizzy lances for davo and his flatmates to enjoy.
I also purchased a bumper bag of fizzy [substitute extremely sour] strawberry flavour [well actually 9v battery with a little strawberry aftertaste] lances for a snack later. BIG mistake. After pulling my tongue off the first one in recoil action as if shocked by licking a live wire I decided to wander around offering these ‘sweets’ to unsuspecting colleagues.

Meg – ‘they taste of ming’
Paula – ‘why would you do that to yourself? I mean why eat these things’
Patrick – ‘can I have another one?’
Jen – ‘they are nice in a perverted kind of way’
Michelle – ‘oooooh aaaaahhh’
Darren – ‘is this an endurance test’
So the verdict? go on try them – only 95p for 200g of pure sugar evil