A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale has hit Bootle in the early hours of Friday morning

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “Fuckin Hell” “Bollocks” and where?s me fags.

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately ?35.00 worth of damage, and several priceless collections of memento?s from Blackpool, Llandudno, and Tallaca were damaged beyond repair. In addition, three arrears of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many local residents were woken well before their Giro arrived.

The local rag reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Bootle.

One resident Tracy our Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of three said “It was such a shock that my little Mercedes Chardonnay came running into my bedroom crying and my youngest two Tyler-Connor and Kylie Megan-Morgan slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha on Monday.

Apparently though looting and muggings and car crime wasn’t affected and carried on as normal

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship in 4000 crates of lager, 1.2 million ciggies to the arrears most stricken. Rescue workers are still searching throughout the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and fine bone china from Poundstretcher

How can I help I hear you asking

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster, Clothing is most sought after

Items most needed include

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White Nike or Reebok socks
Rockport boots and any other items sold in Matalan

Remember! 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms
?2.00 buys a bag of chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 6 and just ?5.00 will pay for a packet of Benson and Hedges and a lighter to calm shattered nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter as the sight of this posh housing will be unfair on the population of Kirby and Kirkdale.

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