bloody hell

I’m doing the walk for life on Sunday and some extremely generous person has anonymously sponsored me ?100. Bloody hell.
I was just saying the other day how I haven’t put as much effor tin this year and the team from work is going to be smaller due to workload and a number of external influences. It’s made my friday all the better!
Thanks to everyone who has sponsored me so far (including those of you wishing to remain incognito)

note to self: enjoy it while you can

I was chatting over lunch about Gmail and the fact that I am loving it most for the fact that I only get mail that is addressed to me and from people I know.
I’m sure when the spammers cotton on to it then that may change but so far no spam and no hint of any either. Long may it last!
Mind you that could be to do with the fact I am not handing it out to many people ;o)

Beckham’s Fruit of the Loom moment

Did you hear that David Beckham’s voice will be used for the announcements at the new Wembley stadium?

Wait for it, wait for it…

Apparently he comes over the PA very well.

Okay so by all accounts he didnt and he also took a dislike to the press insinuating that he did. He’s also taken issue to being snapped in his pants. Also the FA seem to have had a sense of humour failure. England soccer officials are angry at paparazzi photos splashed across British tabloid newspapers of star captain David Beckham in his underpants.
The Sun and the Daily Star newspapers printed the photographs on their front pages yesterday.

note to self: never give a cat a pill

No really the other week when I was at Lee and James’ I helped Lee administer a pill and came off with scratches and chunks out of my forearm.
So here is a guide sent on by a friend of mine which made me cringe with memories. Dogs on the other hand are normally much easier.

How to gove your cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.

As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.