random thoughts

you know I really shouldn’t think so much – I am convinced that is part of the reason I have avoided staying in on my own this week. I have so started to over analyze and obsess. It can’t be good for me. It started with the wierd relationship I have with my friends. I have slept with most of them – not actually when they were friends but I used to go out with a lot of them and then after the relationship ended we remained friends. Many people think this is wierd but I really don;t think you can spend so much time getting to know someone and love them and then suddenly switch off completely having no more to do with them. So as I say I have a wierd relationship with my friends. I know them more intimately than is possibly good.
Sometimes I think that people remain friends after relationships because they can’t bear it to be over. They need to feel close still and hope as they say springs eternal. Then I wonder were this leaves me. Does this mean I am subliminally remaining friends with people in the hopes of some day revisiting the relationship, kind of like a back up plan. I know that this isn’t the case really but a little doubt creeps in now and again. If I actually think about sleeping with any of my ex’s it is something I know I could not do – kind of like thinking about sleeping with a girl I guess. All of a sudden the ex is no longer a person that is attractive sexually. A big change really from when you first met them it’s like a lifecycle I guess. So although I know I don’t find them sexually attractive anymore I still feel guilty about the history.
This last week I’ve been the complete opposite having slept with friends and now wondering what is the difference between a relationship and a friendship. If it is just sex then does that mean we are no longer friends? Surely it’s more complicated than that. Really though what do you share with a partner that you don’t with your friends? I certainly have relationships with my friends that include everything except the sex. I know I can call them anytime if I am worried or scared, happy or sad, sick or in full health. There is nothing I would not consider sharing with my friends. Does this mean I should only sleep with strangers? Somehow it doesn’t feel the same sleeping with someone you don’t have feelings for. Which means you become friends with someone you fancy and then hey back to square one I guess you end up sleeping with a friend.
so erm I think I’ve rambled enough now…